Befriending Dragons

Turn Scary Into Attainable


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Reclaiming My Voice, Becoming Me – A Befriending Dragons Story

In the mornings I search my closet to find the perfect outfit that shows I’m technical enough, I’m smart enough, I fit in. One day I wear a skirt, and my manager can’t seem to process it, I have gone outside his expectations. He flips to the script of “this is a woman, not a skilled computer expert who knows more about her area of expertise than almost anyone else in the world.” He can’t hold “woman” and “good at technical stuff” in his brain at the same time. His obviously confused comments about how nice I look deflate me all day, and that’s the last time I wear a skirt to work. Another day my manager comments that it’s great that I’ve brought some women candidates to interview for the open position on our team, but that we won’t lower the bar for them. As if the bar isn’t already shaped like a white man, with false proxies that exclude so many qualified people. When he finds out a coworker made disgusting, sexually explicit comments to me I overhear him say to a coworker that the bully can’t be blamed since he thought I had picked up the coworker I was walking with in a nearby bar. I move to a team that rarely interacts with customers, a team where I have no chance of encountering my old teammates. They have much more of an casual clothing vibe. When I wear my existing wardrobe, clothes from boutique stores, I get puzzled comments asking where am I going after work, is it someplace fancy? One of the few other women on the team comes over to tell me she’s glad I continue to dress up because it makes her feel less out of place when she wears similar clothes. What I think is “Why can’t I ever get it, ME, right?” Why can’t I fit in? Why are my dragon scales always too shiny or not shiny enough? Why is my roar always silenced? When did I lose my voice, when did I start spending so much emotional energy to walk a fine line between likable and competent? When did I give in to the bullies?

It was years before I realized my path to belonging & success became very narrow when I reported the worst bully, a sexual harasser, to my manager. The manager talked me out of reporting to HR. He encouraged me to silence myself, to keep quiet, all to keep my chance at a promotion. What I heard is that my voice doesn’t matter, or even worse my voice is destructive to my career. I didn’t realize then that my chance at a promotion was gone the moment I spoke up about the harasser, the bully, even in the privacy of one sympathetic person’s office. It was clear the so-called “brilliant jerk” who harassed me was just too valuable to the team, and I was not valuable enough. Instead of insisting I was as valuable, actually even more valuable because I wasn’t a bully, I took my dragon roar and internalized it as a silent scream. I looked around at the sea of men I worked with and saw what others thought tech looked like – not me. I tried to muffle my inner shrieks and focus on creating success by changing myself, ignoring my own brilliance and aptitude for the job. I just knew if I could make myself even more “one of the guys,” if I could suppress the “bad” aspects of my femininity, I could “win.” I could manage my way out of this by tightly controlling everything – myself, my voice, my manager, my coworkers, how much of myself I shared with my boyfriend. Only I couldn’t. I didn’t. The more I silenced myself, the more I changed my dragon roar into a silent scream, the more I lost myself.

I imagined myself as a solitary dragon, alone in my safe cave. As long as I kept people at a distance I could survive. I never even considered that I deserved to thrive instead. I nursed my internal wounds, mostly by minimizing and ignoring them. I imagined my loneliness as peaceful solitude. I hoarded my energy, my thoughts, my feelings. I told myself I was in control, I was exercising my power. I shape-shifted into a shadow of myself, a caricature. I closed all the gates around me to keep the bad things away, ignoring that I also kept the good things away. Like so many trauma victims, I internalized the bully’s actions as partially my own fault. I thought I could, must, change myself to avoid future bullies.

But that’s not the way the world works. Instead of looking at myself as a scary dragon, I can choose to see myself as a free agent in the world, a friendly dragon who can fly where I want, when I want, how I want. I know there’s the reality of the white patriarchy, a system that builds success bars shaped like a narrow subset of cishet white men. Because of my own privileges as a white-presenting woman with one parent who graduated from college, because of the perseverance and grit and pure luck that let me slide through the edges of the white patriarchy and accumulate some wealth, I have the freedom to put myself in another part of the world, a part where I can thrive. My dragon scales are just fine the way they are, and I choose how much, what kind of, light to shine on them, on myself. I can befriend this bully culture dragon, I can stop internalizing it and stop trying to fix myself. I can make my experience a friendly dragon. That jerk who bullied me, who was found guilty of sexually harassing me when I finally reported him to HR, doesn’t define me. I don’t have to change myself, I don’t have to become invisible and silent to people like him and the people who excuse his behavior. He behaved very badly, he committed verbal violence. The system at work tried to find the balance of action so that neither of us would sue or speak out too much. But they misjudged. I did speak out. I reclaimed my voice. I started to speak out about my experience, at first quietly in small groups. Then from a stage. Then directly to my new team. Then loudly for the world to hear. I left Microsoft without signing their confidentiality agreement, without letting them steal my voice once again in return for a few month’s pay.

I reclaimed my roar and ended my internal screaming. I befriended that dragon. I reclaimed my voice and my feminine side. I belong because I decide what that means for me. I choose to step away from patriarchy, the quest for perfection, whiteness, hierarchy, and conformity. I choose thrival, self-care, and relationship-based work.

I see myself as a beautiful, free, contradictory, powerful, wise, and confident dragon with a loud roar. I am ready to take on the world, to speak truth to power. I create my own path. I journey with women, we reclaim our voices, we move on to new, bigger lives after a bully tries to make us small. We nurture new paths, new cultures, new open gates where we can be ourselves, create success, and generate a sense of belonging in our cultures. We ROAR!

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Befriending Dragons Happy Hour

I have so many thoughts and ideas about where my passion will lead me next. I haven’t yet settled on any one thing for a new career, so I went back to the basics. Listen. Listen to my community. I envision my community as marginalized people in tech. So I have started a meetup group where we can get together and talk. Where we can listen to each other. Where we help each other. Join me and let’s go on this journey to our futures together.

#DatesWithDragons in the snow

A gathering place for people forging new paths after harassment at work.

This is a safe space – no hate speech, bullying, harassment, or discrimination is tolerated. We value input from a variety of identities and will center the views, needs, and decisions of those who are not cishet white men.

I’m a 50 year old white woman leaving the tech world. As I talk about the harassment, bullying, and discrimination I’ve faced over the years other women open up about their own experiences. So many of us have no place to talk to others with the same experiences. Let’s share our stories, our growth, our pain and joy. This is a place to talk about surviving and thriving, about careers, family, friends, life, work, play, and about disrupting the white patriarchy to nurture a new way of doing things.

#Words4Justice

Befriending Dragons – Life After Workplace Harassment

Bellevue, WA
3 Members

A gathering place for people forging new paths after harassment at work.This is a safe space – no hate speech, bullying, harassment, or discrimination is tolerated. We value …

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Befriending Dragons Happy Hour

Sunday, Feb 10, 2019, 3:00 PM
1 Attending

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Befriending Dragons | #Words4Justice

Today is my last official day at Microsoft.

I no longer feel safe, comfortable, or valued working in tech. Going forward I’ll be working to actively disrupt tech culture and systems to reduce harassment and discrimination. Keep an eye on #Words4Justice. 😊

Be kind. Be brave. Go beyond ally to accomplice to actively disrupt bullying and discrimination.

cindygross@outlook.com 
@cindygross | @SQLCindy #Words4Justice
http://befriendingdragons.com/

My experiences

Shared Experiences Meetup


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Windows Hyper-V Dragon

After all these years soaring through the data world, from SQL Server 1.11 all the way through today’s modern Big Data technologies, I am making a flight adjustment. My next adventure will be in the land of the Windows Hypervisor: Hyper-V. Last week I started working with my new team and I am already learning to corral and wieldGreenFlyingDragon a whole new world of acronyms, technologies, and scenarios. As a software engineer on the quality team I’ll help define and implement test scenarios that lead to better customer experiences across multiple products.

I won’t be leaving data behind! This new role has a lot of data aspects and of course the hypervisor underlies many of the world’s data systems! It’s been great working with the #SQLFamily over the years and I look forward to continuing to work with you all!


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Moving Beyond Unconscious Bias – Good People Matter!

Presented at SQL Saturday Oregon on October 24, 2015

by Julie Koesmarno and Cindy Gross

Good People

We’re good people. As good people we don’t want to think we do things that have negative consequences for others. But sometimes our subconscious can fool us. What we intend isn’t always what happens. We think we’re making a totally rational decision based on our conscious values – but subtle, unconscious bias creeps in. Yes, even for good people. For 20+ years folks at Harvard have been using something called the Implicit Association Test (IAT) to help us identify our biases.

Take this IAT on gender and career – the results may surprise you: https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/user/agg/blindspot/tablet.htm

Watch Alan Alda take the test, it will give you a feel for how it works: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RSVz6VEybk

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Patterns and Categories

The human brain works with patterns and categories. It’s how we make it through the day. We are bombarded with 100s of thousands of data points every day – we can’t possibly think through each one every time. We unconsciously assign data points, including our perception of people, into buckets. Those buckets have values and characteristics assigned to them that may or may not reflect the individual person we put in that bucket.

This automatic assignment is called intuitive thinking or system 1 thinking. It’s easy and takes little effort. It serves us well and lets us take on many tasks every day. However, it also sometimes leads us down the path of thinking we’ve chosen the “best” person when we’re really hired someone who meets some set of assumptions.

Sometimes we use slow thinking, or system 2 thinking. It’s rarely a conscious decision, something just makes us take some extra time and we usually don’t even realize it. That’s when we stop to question what we’re doing – maybe we adjust which categories we put someone in or we adjust the category or the values and judgments associated with it. We’re good people but system 2 thinking is tiring and we just can’t do it all the time.

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Diversity Matters

Why does diversity matter at work? Personally, when we’re on a diverse team we tend to have higher personal and job satisfaction. Diverse teams are interesting and we often learn more. People who don’t feel like they’re the “only one” of something (gender, sexual orientation, race, introvert/extravert, etc.) relax, contribute more, and are more productive. And study after study shows that more diverse teams lead to better products and a better bottom line.

Companies with women on their boards have higher ROIs, more diverse companies tend to perform above average, and let’s face it – we don’t have enough STEM graduates to fill needed jobs if we don’t encourage a more diverse group of people to enter the field.

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Mind Tricks

But we’re good people and we don’t make these snap judgments. We are rational and we always know why we made a decision. Or do we?

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Optical illusions fool us all the time. Even knowing those lines are all the same length, did you have to measure them just to be sure? The same thing happens in our interactions with people. What’s the first thing that comes to mind for single parent, introvert, doctor, CEO, or programmer? That first thing hints at your categories – the categories built up by a lifetime of media saturation filled with type-cast actors.

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Back to the science of bias. Let’s think about resumes. In one study, resumes were handed out to academics who were asked to rate the job candidates for competency, hireability, mentoring, and suggested salary. Some resumes were for John and some for Jennifer. Professors of all genders rated Jennifer 25% less competent and less likely to be hired. They rated John worth about $4000 more. When asked why they gave ratings their justifications sounded rational but…. 4 industry publications was awesome for John and 4 was just not enough for Jennifer. They are good people but they (we!) are at the mercy of their subconscious and years of societal conditioning.

Moving On

We’re good people so what do we do?

Take the IATs – there are many, take at least a couple and understand your unexpected biases. Talk about this with others so we all become comfortable talking about our subtle biases. Work to consciously update your mental categories – seek out images and reminders of people who are different and successful. Now that you know your own categories a bit better, be more mindful about switching to system 2 thinking. Reach out to one person and mentor them. Spend time with someone who makes you uncomfortable. Pay attention to the “firsts” (the first autistic character on Sesame Street, the first black President, the first whatever) and see if that helps you update your mental categories.

Increase the pipeline. Participate in groups that help kids learn to code. Recruit beyond your normal network, post jobs on diversity sites, and consider non-traditional backgrounds. Join diverse groups that don’t match your own diversity.

Be careful with words. Is someone bossy or exhibiting leadership? Is someone aggressive or a go-getter? Are they emotional or passionate. You may be surprised how you assign different words for the same behavior in unexpected ways.

When you post a job, only list something as “required” if it truly is. Women for example tend to only apply if they meet almost all the requirements, men tend to apply if they meet a few. Do you really require Java experience or do you need a good coder who is willing to learn new things? Don’t ask for a specific type of leader, look for someone who can lead in any of many productive ways. Explicitly state that you value a diverse team. And beware of subtle stereotypes – words like best, rock star, action-oriented define a particular picture but may not represent what you’re really looking for.

When reviewing resumes, have HR take off names, cities, and years. Before you pick up a resume decide on your priorities – does experience or willingness to learn matter more for example? Look for people who fill gaps rather than trying to replicate people you already have. And remember, system 2 thinking is tiring so do this when you’re alert and can take the time to think about what you’re doing.

For the interviews, have a diverse group participate. Simply looking at picture of or talking about diverse people before starting interviews increases the chance you hire with diversity in mind. Don’t confuse either confidence or “geek cred” with competence. Keep an open mind about different ways of approaching problems – it’s the result that matters.

Many flowers make a beautiful bouquet – @IsisAnchalee

Let’s Do It!

What is your personal pledge today?

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Full slide deck is available at http://smallbitesofbigdata.com/archive/2015/10/26/moving-beyond-unconscious-bias-good-people-matter.aspx


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Big Data for the SQL Eye

SQL Server is a great technology – I’ve been using it since 1993 when the user interface consisted of a query window with the options to save and execute and not much else. With every release there’s something new and exciting and there’s always something to learn about even the most familiar of features. However, not everyone uses SQL Server for every storage and compute opportunity – sad but true.

So what is a SQL geek to do in the face of all the new options out there – many under the umbrella of Big Data (distributed processing)? Why just jump right on in and learn it! No one can know all the pieces because it’s a big, fluid, messy collection of “things”. But don’t worry about that, start with one thing and build from there. Even if you never plan to implement a production Big Data system you need to learn about it – because if you don’t have some hands-on experience with it then someone who does have that experience will be influencing the decision makers without you. For a SQL Pro I suggest Hive as that easy entry point. At some point maybe Spark SQL will jump into that gap, but for now Hive is the easiest entry point for most SQL pros.

For more, I refer you to the talk I gave at the Pacific Northwest SQL Server User Group meeting on October 14, 2015. Excerpts are below, the file is attached.

Look, it’s SQL!

SELECT score, fun
FROM toDo
WHERE type = ‘they pay me for this?’;

Here’s how that code looks from Visual Studio along with the links to how you find the output and logs:

image

And yet it’s more!

CREATE EXTERNAL TABLE IF NOT EXISTS toDo
(fun STRING,
rank INT COMMENT ‘rank the greatness’,
type STRING)
COMMENT ‘two tables walk into a bar….’
ROW FORMAT DELIMITED FIELDS TERMINATED BY ‘,’
STORED AS TEXTFILE
LOCATION ‘/data/demo/’;

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A mix of old and new

— read some data
SELECT ‘you cannot make me ‘, score, fun, type
FROM toDo
WHERE score <= 0
ORDER BY score;

SELECT ‘when can we ‘, score, fun, type
FROM toDo
WHERE score > 0
DISTRIBUTE BY score SORT BY score;

image

That’s Hive folks!

Hive

on Hadoop
on HDInsight
on AzureBig Data in the cloud!

Hadoop Shines When….
(refer to http://blogs.msdn.com/b/cindygross/archive/2015/02/25/master-choosing-the-right-project-for-hadoop.aspx)

Data exploration, analytics and reporting, new data-driven actionable insights
Rapid iterating
Unknown unknowns
Flexible scaling
Data driven actions for early competitive advantage or first to market
Low number of direct, concurrent users
Low cost data archival

Hadoop Anti-Patterns….

Replace system whose pain points don’t align with Hadoop’s strengths
OLTP needs adequately met by an existing system
Known data with a static schema
Many end users
Interactive response time requirements (becoming less true)
Your first Hadoop project + mission critical system

image

Azure has so much more

Go straight to the business code
Scale storage and compute separately
Open Source
Linux
Managed and unmanaged services
Hybrid
On-demand and 24×7 options
SQL Server

It’s a Polyglot

Stream your data into a lake
Pick the best compute for each task

And it’s Fun!

I hope you enjoyed this small bite of big data!

//

BigDataForTheSQLEye.zip


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The Big Data Dragon flies on to Microsoft AzureCAT

“Always in motion is the future” – YodaCindyMar2015

On June 1 I will be moving into a new role on AzureCAT. I tried the small business consulting world with Neal Analytics and it just wasn’t a good fit for me and my passions. So here I go, on to new challenges at Microsoft! I’ll be making the world a better place with the help of Big Data.

And while I’m making changes, I’ll also be moving from Boise, ID to the Redmond, WA area. It’s new adventures all around for me. I’ll miss Boise – my friends, my political battles, the greenbelt and hiking trails, sitting on the patios downtown. And I’m also excited about all the new opportunities I’ll have in my new, blue state.

Bring it on world, I’m ready!

cindygross@outlook.com | @SQLCindy | http://www.linkedin.com/in/cindygross | http://smallbitesofbigdata.com

Cross-published on:

http://befriendingdragons.com/2015/05/07/the-big-data-dragon-flies-on-to-microsoft-azurecat
http://smallbitesofbigdata.com/archive/2015/05/08/the-big-data-dragon-flies-on-to-microsoft-azurecat.aspx